Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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