Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
