My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
