meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
