I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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