I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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