I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize