I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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