Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
