Do vagina's smell?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
