my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
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Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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