I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize