there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
