the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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