mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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