you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
