she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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