I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
