Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
