He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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