Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
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He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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