Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
