And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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