Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
