ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
