hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
