well you can't waste a boner
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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