going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
