My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
