sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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