I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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