i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
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On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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