Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
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There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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