is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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