I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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