I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
