I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
