literally had 100 drinks last night.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Randomize
