He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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