It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
