the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
