It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
