i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
