Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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