Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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