I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
