tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
