Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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