Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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