ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
