Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
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The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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