Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just google imaged poop.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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