I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
