if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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