who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
