I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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